Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I Think Everyone's Got a Crazy Uncle Bob

One of the most interesting aspects of my grandmother's newest foray into near-death-guilt-tripping is that she decided we were all going to visit her brother Bob for Thanksgiving.

I generally start stories about Bob with the words, "I have this crazy Uncle Bob," but people always interrupt and tell me that they think everyone's got one. The story usually ends up proving however, that no one's got one like mine.

First, I need to explain a little bit about him. He is cheap. He is 83 and only just got running water and electricity (the one of his sisters that allowed him to use her yard hose to bathe died a couple of years ago). The thing is, though, it's not that he can't afford things like heat and sewage, it's that he doesn't want to pay for them. He also hordes everything. We had to enter his house one person at a time because the only way to get through is to go through the paths made between his stacks of stuff. I'm not talking about paths through stuff on the floor--I'm talking about paths through the house. There's stuff piled from floor to ceiling like a hedge maze. Bob also visits the local library every day and sends e-mails like it's his job. Every e-mail he sends is cc'd to every person in his address book, no matter how personal, he has about thirty e-mail addresses (all marked "John Doe"), and he sends about three times that many e-mails a day.

So, after our Thanksgiving visit, I received a copy from my Dad of the e-mail excerpted below. Note especially numbers 5 and 8. I actually didn't delete anything there; he really just skipped from 5 to 8.

1.good visit yesterday. Thanks.

> 2.I misquoted, i.e. said wrong author for

> quatrain-verse that I e-mailed yesterday. It is by

> Joseph someone. Author I said wrote other poems on

> those same pages of that same book I was quoting

> from.


> 5.As to Oso, -- in Law School -- . I suppose

> pastors' children get a special deal at

> (Baptist-owned

> & operated) law school. Preacher-career is

> probably a good career. Helpful there if also a

> musician, maybe. But there is politics there too, &

> I

> think that Politics corrupts Religion, & that

> Religion

> corrupts Politics. I think Israel & the entire

> Mid-East is a prime example of that. I suspect that

> Louisiana Dry-Creek encampments = another example of

> it.

> But beware if into high-level politics, -- because

> there the CIA may assissinate her. I think a LOT of

> such killings go on in White-house & Camp David

> environs, -- & has done so for a long time.

> Maybe being a Divorce-Lawyer would also be good,

> --

> because marriage seems to be such an unnatural state

> of affairs, a legal quagmire, etc.

> Or maybe a Patent & Copyright Atty.

> 8.Most lawyers give me the creeps. I think that

> Lawyers, Beauticians, Car-Mechanics, Repair-persons

> for Cars or for Houses, & Barbers tend to have

> irresponsible & dishonest aspirations & natures...

I forwarded a copy to Ursa, who had this remark: "Uncle Bob is very kind to worry about your possible assasination. Also, I love how he compared Louisiana and the Middle East. He has an excellent grasp on reality that seems to be tightening by the minute."


Ann said...

The Uncle Bob I used to know-- fortunately he wasn't MY uncle-- used to grab his niece and nephew and wrestle them down to the floor. They were terrified. Hopefully, your Uncle Bob doesn't do that.

OsoDelSol said...

Good Lord, no. This Uncle Bob is pretty harmless, although it is my personal opinion that he is just asking to be Baker-Acted.