Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Judgment Day

So, there was a marathon of America's Next Top Model on this weekend, and after watching several episodes in a row, I started thinking what I always think when I watch that show. (No, I'm not going to start using the word skinny a lot. This is not that kind of post.) What if Judgment Day, you know, THE Judgment Day, is like judment day on America's Next Top Model? What if it goes like this:

We enter into heaven and stand before the panel, which consists of God the Father (who knows everything and whose idea we assume all of this is anyway), God the Son (the Personality of the group who is often referred to in the captioning as "religious icon") and God the Holy Spirit (we're not sure exactly what he/she/it looks like, but whatever he/she/it is, it helps us walk the walk). Then the panel shows us our best and our worst moments on the Heavenly jumbotron, and some people have this really great best moment, but maybe God says something like "Girl, this moment is breathtaking, but when I was looking through your film, they were not all like this. You did not always show an awareness that I was watching you" and then some people might have this really bad worst moment, but then God says something like "You need to learn to be softer and more Christian, but when I see you standing in front of me, you have a presence. I see Child of God." Then we know we're about to hit the judgment, and God has really had some bad things to say about everyone and some good things to say about everyone, so it's really hard to guess who's getting in and who's not. And then, after a dramatic pause, God the Father comes to stand before us, and He says, "There are twelve billion beautiful people standing before me, but not all of them will get into the Kingdom of Heaven. In my hand is the Book of Life, and I'm going to call out the names written in it. Those people whose names I do not call will have to leave immediately."

And He starts calling names. And some people get in who you think didn't deserve to get in, but there they are, so God must have seen something in them that you didn't. Either that or He's crazy. But He's been in this business a long time and He's pretty famous, so He probably knows what He's talking about. And then all the names have been called, and you were fortunate enough to get in, but you look over at the people left, and you think that some of them deserved to get in, because they have really pretty lives, but for some reason the judges didn't pick them. And you kind of wonder what's going on that some people got in who shouldn't have and some people didn't get in who should have.

I'll tell you what's going on (and I have it on good authority from a friend of a friend who's brother's best friend's roomate knew one of the producers). Favors. Those people who got picked, it's not because they were any better than the other models...I mean people. They were in good with one of the judges. Now I won't tell you which one, but he was one of the more VISIBLE members of the panel.

Never saw that coming. Here I was always told to be really careful because God is always watching, like a big referee in the sky, but it turns out, in the last fifteen minutes, your best and worst photos...I mean moments, are just there for dramatic effect.

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